Start with one you've already done.

Yesterday morning I sat in a coffee shop against many challenges in the face and love of a friend that gave me time she didn't have in a space that means so much to her.  She challenged me to start this again. To share my words in this blog and to open myself up to the world again because it's been waiting.  The challenge was in steps.  Step one, share one you have already written.  So here is step one and my restart at this blog. (an edited version of an email I sent last yr)

So it's Holiday time again and I'm thinking back to last year when I was surprised with a gift from my friend Laurie that made me squeal with joy and excitement and reminded my of my journey as a mother and as a friend. She bought us tickets to the Dixie Chicks! I love them full circle love them!, so here is my Dixie Chicks tale. I was a very young mom to Miss Emily in 2000 and spent many days wishing and praying that my life and her's wouldn't be a mess forever. Around that time the Dixie Chicks Fly album was still pretty hot and they were getting ready to release a new album (Wide Open Spaces) around the time Em was born. I couldn't afford baby food, but I had that mail delivery service for CD's...I can't remember what that was called! LOL I was so young and so scared. So about the time I settled in my Manhattan, KS apartment I got their new CD and I listened to it on repeat until I knew every word while I held Emily non-stop and cried because I had no idea what I was doing. As I nursed and rocked my new baby this song became my "fight song"

Times are hard and rents are high
What can a working girl do
But struggle through another day
Then I'll take care of you
Nights are long and dreams are cold
If they're all you wake up to
But should you rise with crying eyes
Then I'll take care of you
So let them talk about us
Let them call us funny things
People sometimes do
I don't care as long
As you know I love you
Oh, and you know I do
I'll be there, but you might not see me
It's never easy to get through
But when the laughter dies away
Then I'll take care of you
So let them talk about us
Let them call us funny things
People sometimes do
I don't care as long
As you know I love you
Oh, and you know I do
I'll be there, but you might not see me
It's never easy to get through
But when the laughter dies away
I'll take care of you
Darling, I'll take care of you
I listened to the song again to tonight with my 15 year old daughter and understood my "fight song" hasn't changed. (since editing this, she is 16 now) My "darlings" have grown in population, but my anthem still rings through. I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant with Emily that I would fail her and I think I started pushing myself even harder to make sure I would give her a good life. (I was a 4.0 KSU student on the Deans list kinda kid so "trying harder" was insane") But I felt like I had hit the bottom. People were talking about me; nasty mean things and I felt ashamed on one side and defensive on the other. Let them talk about us....let them call us funny things. I don't care as long as you know I love you.
In the song it says, "I'll be there, but you might not see me"..... I do not know of an afterlife absolute, but I know of a love I feel so strong that will be with me always, one that is beyond this lifetime. I have been blessed with challenges and a journey that opened my heart to receive love and motivation from friends and family that push me to rise up.
A few months ago, I stood again in Laurie's kitchen (where she gave me the Dixie Chicks tickets) and I received a message from a friend watching the CMA's guiding me to turn it on quickly! Beyonce and the Dixie Chicks were performing together! He knew I was going to be pumped to see this combo for sure and maybe he knew I would be taken over with timing and the song they sang. I missed it live, but played it at my desk the next day with a friend that equally loved the combo and another friend I got to share the journey with. Check out the awesomeness here: https://youtu.be/60aCpaG2S6E

Text message this summer to my Dad for Father's Day

From that awards show:
He told me not to cry. Oh, my daddy said shoot"
When I thought my world was crashing down, every time, I thought that it was....
As a dramatic teen...he taught me to fight back rather than sink,
As a scared soon to be mother...I crawled on his lap and he promised to help me,
When I was in labor...he begged the nurses to make me not hurt and whispered to me that I could do this,
When money was tight and rents were high...he supported me and taught me to budget,
When I ran my first marathon, and my second and so on....he chased me, encouraged me and expected my success.
When parenting was (is) hard...he reminded(s) me that it could be done, cause he and my mom did it, (I hope he edits this sentence for me:)
When I was so depressed after childbirth...I crawled in his lap with my babies most nights and he just held me and promised me I would find myself again,
As I have been lost in grief this last year...he reminds me to keep on and picks up where I lack. My dad, he told me not to cry! He told me to give it to him and for me to take care of me. He raised me with a fight in my belly, a heart to serve and an appreciation for music that heals and rocks your soul! My Daddy said Shoot! Dixie Chicks music has been woven in my journey. Music has always been woven in my soul. Thank you to my friends and family on this journey and a shout of to my friend in the coffee shop that challenged me to write again and to share again.